Thursday, December 9, 2010

Bathroom. Me. Staples. 10 cops....Holy Shit.

It's not very often that I actually get scared. The occasional adrenaline rush, sure, but actually frightened like a child? Not really. But this last weekend, I went to the Roger Waters show at Staples Center (he performed Pink Floyd's "Wall"), and I legitimately got frightened. Like going to Knotts Scary Farm when you're 12 years old frightened. Like the phone rings Freddy Krueger style frightened...

Night starts off good. My friend and I. Get to LA Live, settle on Flemings for dinner. Johnny Walker Black flowing freely, good food, time to have fun. Get into Staples, grab two big beers, and we're ready for a show. We see a few friends (remember that) walking to our seats, and I don't presuppose as to what they had to drink, but lets use the "three sheets to the wind" cliche. Quick hello. Onward.

Now, I'm going to understate this because certain people read this, but I was feeling pretty good, really good. The show was amazing, but alas, my first bathroom break calls. So I casually stroll into the huge bathroom and begin my urinal transaction, when all of a sudden everybody starts leaving the bathroom. Initially Im confused, but as I turn my head I notice the entrance of Venue Officials, and lots of them. I'm standing at the urinal, and immediately start thinking, "what the hell did I do?" and this nasty nervousness starts setting in. At this freeze-frame, the head count inside the Staples bathroom is : (1) Allen, (4) Red Coats, (2) Cops, (2) Security Guards (with badges), and there is only one exit. I skip level 1-4 scared, and go right to 5 because I can't figure out what I've done wrong, and Im assuming they're coming for me (remember, I've had a few and I'm not at my intellectual peak).

Did I say something bad? nope.
Did I sneak into somewhere? negative.
Do I have contraband? negatory ghost rider.
Then why the hell am I freaking out?
and how am I going to plan my getaway?

But just as I've concluded that Im guilty for a crime I didn't commit (Ateam), and just as my scare level is eclipsing 8, I see another figure through the mirror reflection by the sink...and low and behold, who is it? The friend we saw 20 minutes earlier that we knew, being questioned by these cops. Relief. Scare level drops 3 points.

But, even though Im not exactly sure what went down, what Im sure of is that I dont want to get in the middle of this. This guy is wasted, and if I walk by and try to leave, all I can think of is that he'll say he's with me, and I'm "guilty by association" somehow. There is no help to be given, no "saving your buddy", because these Officers are absolutely riddling this guy, and preparing for the inevitable tackle & cuffs. But they are blocking the exit, so I stand at the urinal for 5 minutes pretending, freaking out (remember, the room is 100% empty except for me). Then, like a tunnel to heaven, there is a quiet shuffle, and the whole Police parade moves from the door for a second, and I see my exit. Bam. Like a ghost. Gone.

There is more to the story, but for another time.  The most interesting part of this was that my  mind created the whole situation, and there was really no reason for me to be scared at all. But the kicker for me was that leaving that bathroom felt like Shawshank Redemption. Free at last. Free as last. Lets go home...

Oh wait, Im at a concert that just started.

(postscript): our buddy is fine. Lesson: Never drink 4Loco. That drink is like cocaine + acid put together.


Anonymous said...

For a second there I thought you were gonna start talking about a scrabble beat down and handing out free tickets to shows. Scare level 10

tips said...

while nothing like this has happened to me, i somehow feel like i can identify because i work at espn zone and see all the crazy that comes in and out of staples. but funny that it happened to you at roger waters..that crowd was much tamer than most.

Anonymous said...

4loko make my clothes come off, and tastes way better than tequila ;-) everyone needs to get a taste of this before it's banned, last call for alcohol(Dec. 10th)!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow. And I thought I was scared back in 85' in Poughkeepsie at the Maiden/Priest show when 2 cops grabbed me from behind and cuffed me for public urination...while i was peeing. Needless to say I pissed myself in fear. Nothing to be proud of.

Anonymous said...

you are an excellent writer.
and i know of what i speak.

as for 4loco, i'll keep this story in mind for future reference.
not saying whether i will or won't have a nip...that's a mood i can't predict.